Paganism and its Obsession with the Gender Binary

     This post is in no way representative of all of Paganism. It just deals with my own opinions, experiences, and feelings.
       The gender binary is deeply ingrained within Paganism. There is the god and the goddess. They are the divine masculine and the divine feminine. You can also find divine masculine energy and divine feminine energy within yourself. People who identify as men are expected to align themselves with the divine masculine. People who identify as women are expected to align themselves with the divine feminine. This is a simplification of course, but I think you know what I mean.
       What do you do if you don't identify with either? I am biologically female. I don't identify as a man. I also don't identify as a woman. It's not that I reject the label. It just doesn't feel right. I don't connect with the definition of woman that is being used.
       In most cases feminine energy is seen as intuitive, creative, and motherly while masculine energy is methodical and a provider. I, at times, exhibit both of those energies. I think most people do. However, that isn't what gets me about the feminine definition. It's the emphasis on being a mother, menstruation, and fertility. I don't see menstruation as an integral part of my self identity. It's just something that happens. I am not defined by my reproductive organs. I also have no desire to be a mother. Sure, some people say that the term mother isn't necessarily referring to having children. It could represent creating anything, be it art or writing or anything. I disagree. I do not "give birth" to my writing. That is not a metaphor I am comfortable using. I work, often methodically, to create it.
       This is why I reject the idea of the triple goddess. Maiden, mother, crone just doesn't describe me and I feel kind of offended that it is assumed that it should. Yet, it represents the divine feminine, present within all women. So I must not be a woman, right?
       My only other option is being a man. No, that's not right either. There is too much to claiming a gender that isn't biologically my own to just do it because it's the other option. People I know would expect me to cut my hair short and dress in men's clothing, to fit the stereotypical idea of a man, because in society the stereotype is the definition. That's not me. I like dresses, eyeliner, and long hair. Therefore I can't be your stereotypical man.
       So, I'm nothing. I'm neither. I'm both, or I'm somewhere in between. This is fine for me. I don't care. It doesn't effect me in my day to day life because to me labels don't matter. That is why I am Post Modern Sexual. Labels are meaningless to me. (Yes, it's ironic that I'm using a label for my sexual orientation that means I don't like labels.)
       But they matter to others. Some pagan events are open to "self-identified men" or "self-identified women". I am neither. I could go to the women's one and pretend it felt right. They'd never know but I wouldn't be comfortable. For me, doing both would be best. I want to participate but I fear they wouldn't understand. As it is I'm stuck doing neither.
       I found this yesterday. It's a decent example. The Fathers of Change and The Mothers of a New Time are doing a wonderful thing where they try to change the world for the better by doing rituals every full and new moon. In these men connect to the energy of the god and women connect to the energy of the goddess to bring change. I want to be a part of things like this, but I feel like I can't because I don't feel like a man or a woman by their definitions. I'm stuck on the sidelines watching, a neutral party in a community that doesn't accept you unless you pick sides. It's really lonely in the middle.
       I wonder if this is because I'm a nonhuman trying to fit in the human definitions of gender.

I'm back, I Hope : )

       I am so sorry I have been away so long. This past year has been a confusing one for me. I started high school and I've been questioning...well, everything really. Religion, sexuality, gender identity, my being an elfkin, pretty much everything that constitutes my view of self was called into question.
        As a result I completely forgot I had a blog. Literally. It took my about an hour to be able to sign back in because I had to find my password and whatnot.
       I'm still not sure what I'm going to post here, and it's not going to be pictures for my own privacy's sake. Perhaps I'll just talk about myself, in which case are you ready for the adventures of a teenage, biologically female, eclectic pagan, post modern sexual, goth, elf who doesn't identify with either the male or female gender? I hope you are, because I don't think I am. I don't have much of a choice though, truthfully.
***A note on the term "post modern sexual": I don't actually particularly like or commonly use this term but it can be useful in situations like this. I prefer not to label my sexuality as desire is desire and love is love. That's pretty much what post modern sexuality is. However, I have at times also gone by the term pansexual meaning someone who can be attracted to or in love with someone who is male, female, androgynous, or transgendered.

Not allowed to post pictures

       I wanted to participate in the August theme post, but unfortunately I'm not allowed to post pictures. It sucks, but...there's not much I can do about it.
       I'm busy celebrating Lughnasdah anyway. I need to go see if my bread's done yet. :) Have a great day!

Elfkin: I am Vs. I Think I am

       I have said I am an elfkin. I'm not sure if I actually am, but in feels right to me. If any elfkin see this and think I am wrong, I am deeply sorry. It is fully possible it's just wishful thinking on my part. I think I am elfkin, and really that's all I know. I've done some research, but not as much as I probably should before claiming anything for sure. I will continue to research and be fascinated by elfkin and otherkin in general. Maybe I'll find out I was wrong. Maybe I'll prove I was right. There's no way for me to know yet.
       I'll do a post actually explaining elfkin and otherking at some point, but I just had to get these thoughts out of my head.

The start

I have decided to start blogging. I'm not entirely sure what I'll blog about, but ideas will come to me eventually. For now I suppose I should introduce myself. I am a female, currently fourteen. I will be fifteen on January first. I am a proud member of the gothic subculture. I am also an elfkin, which I will explain more about in a future post. Siirie Ell is not my real name. I picked Siirie because I like the name and Ell because if you say Siirie Ell it kind of sounds like surreal.

Some random facts about me:
*I want to learn to play flute, violin, and oboe.
*Gardening is my favorite hobby.
*I love archery.
*Dark green is my favorite color.

There's more I could tell you, but that's all I can think of right now. Thank you for reading and feel free to ask me questions